Everyone know what it is like to feel crushed. I feel so f*cking crushed right now.
Bulimia has won tonight. It is devouring every inch of me, I want to sink inside myself and shrivel up. I don’t particularly want to exist.
It isn’t real?! It is intangible! It is non-existent. It lives inside me yet it destroys me. It is trying to break me apart, crack my shell of pride and dignity and self-belief. I feel like I am fighting my disorder for control over my body. I feel like I am fighting my partner as we both have different views over what is best for our child.
I want to give up but I can’t, I am crashing as a result of this
I do not remember a day when food and calories and weight concerns weren’t splintering my mind with shards of indignant, stubborn reminders about how I should be compared to who I am.
Sometimes I try to lift the shield that the ED enslaves me with, and pretend to myself that I am better simply because I don’t know how I can live with this illness anymore. But sooner or later it comes back to me that I am still enraptured by its power because I cannot just walk away, I cannot act as if everything is fine, I cannot breathe when it is suffocating me, I cannot keep going when I want to fall down, I cannot grow when I want to stop, I cannot do anything without this damn illness telling me what it’s opinion is on my life; on me. And it’s opinion is never what I want, its always negative. It hates me and it tells me so all day, every day.
How do I fight it?
It is like bindweed. You can hack away at its existence and when it is no longer visible you can pretend it is gone. But it never is, because it is still there in the roots, and one day you wake up to find yourself covered by it again.
Bulimia sure knows how to batter me about.
I don’t want to fight it anymore, but I have no choice. I am fighting it and simply cannot give up now.
Its like I am waiting for clouds to clear so I can see a blue sky. But just when I think it am getting somewhere the cloud morphs itself to take up even more of my field of vision. But it will pass.
I guess an ED makes you feel like you wake up every day in a body that you don’t want to exist inside of. You loathe it. You fight it, cut it, try to change or morph it because it’s mere existence depresses you but it is the one physical thing in life that you cannot leave. You want to run away from it because it terrifies you but unfortunately however hard or fast you run, your legs remain stuck to your soul and bring every inch of your flesh along with them. It isn’t something that can change overnight but I hope with time I will learn to like my body, work with it rather than against it, and maybe such a unison can bring more positive results.
It is debilitating sometimes. Is this what it is like to have a physically apparent disability, or to be transgender? To be afraid for others to see you in case they judge or because you dislike what you see? I am sure those are more difficult to live with in the sense that they are more prominent and more difficult to change, but trying to explain to somebody who has never had an ED… It is just a way to try to describe.