Am I Fighting an Incurable Disease?

Everyone know what it is like to feel crushed. I feel so f*cking crushed right now.

Bulimia has won tonight. It is devouring every inch of me, I want to sink inside myself and shrivel up. I don’t particularly want to exist.

It isn’t real?! It is intangible! It is non-existent. It lives inside me yet it destroys me. It is trying to break me apart, crack my shell of pride and dignity and self-belief. I feel like I am fighting my disorder for control over my body. I feel like I am fighting my partner as we both have different views over what is best for our child.

I want to give up but I can’t, I am crashing as a result of this

I do not remember a day when food and calories and weight concerns weren’t splintering my mind with shards of indignant, stubborn reminders about how I should be compared to who I am.

Sometimes I try to lift the shield that the ED enslaves me with, and pretend to myself that I am better simply because I don’t know how I can live with this illness anymore. But sooner or later it comes back to me that I am still enraptured by its power because I cannot just walk away, I cannot act as if everything is fine, I cannot breathe when it is suffocating me, I cannot keep going when I want to fall down, I cannot grow when I want to stop, I cannot do anything without this damn illness telling me what it’s opinion is on my life; on me. And it’s opinion is never what I want, its always negative. It hates me and it tells me so all day, every day.

How do I fight it?

It is like bindweed. You can hack away at its existence and when it is no longer visible you can pretend it is gone. But it never is, because it is still there in the roots, and one day you wake up to find yourself covered by it again.

Bulimia sure knows how to batter me about.

I don’t want to fight it anymore, but I have no choice. I am fighting it and simply cannot give up now.

Its like I am waiting for clouds to clear so I can see a blue sky. But just when I think it am getting somewhere the cloud morphs itself to take up even more of my field of vision. But it will pass.

I guess an ED makes you feel like you wake up every day in a body that you don’t want to exist inside of. You loathe it. You fight it, cut it, try to change or morph it because it’s mere existence depresses you but it is the one physical thing in life that you cannot leave. You want to run away from it because it terrifies you but unfortunately however hard or fast you run, your legs remain stuck to your soul and bring every inch of your flesh along with them. It isn’t something that can change overnight but I hope with time I will learn to like my body, work with it rather than against it, and maybe such a unison can bring more positive results.

It is debilitating sometimes. Is this what it is like to have a physically apparent disability, or to be transgender? To be afraid for others to see you in case they judge or because you dislike what you see? I am sure those are more difficult to live with in the sense that they are more prominent and more difficult to change, but trying to explain to somebody who has never had an ED… It is just a way to try to describe.

 

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5 Responses to Am I Fighting an Incurable Disease?

  1. robertlfs says:

    I have found that ED and other addictions are also diseases of isolation, where I don’t engage with others. Your long-term struggle might benefit from dialogue in a group setting as well as your blog.

    Best wishes in your struggle.

  2. Mahoney says:

    Hi, I would like to give you some advice from someone who once had an eating disorder and got through it. (yes, it is possible)

    I understand what you’re going through. During my recovery was when I realized that food wasn’t even food to me anymore, it was calories. I couldn’t enjoy that part of my life anymore no matter how much I tried. I avoided mirror as I learned to eat properly because I was scared of what I’d see. I was covering up the problem rather than dealing with it.

    Even though this post had its negative spots, one thing struck me as incredibly moving as I read this: “But it will pass.”

    This journey is long and hard, but once you reach that blue skied victory it’s so worth it. I won’t say that ED doesn’t sometimes poke at me ever so rarely, but it’s easy to say no. My life is better now and I’m happy this way. Learning to love yourself is an underrated struggle; it’s one of the hardest things to do.

    My advice? Create a recovery notebook (if you haven’t already done so). Write down
    -Why you want to recover
    -What you will do once you recover
    -Your dreams and ideas for the future that don’t have anything to do with ED
    – Write down what made you fall into ED in the first place
    -Write reasons why you hate ED
    -Make a list of awesome (non physical) things you like about yourself.
    – Write down every time you mess up and what led you there, that we way you could stop it next time.
    -Anything else you want: put positive pictures in it, write inspiring quotes, write down when someone says something to you that makes you feel good, talk about your favorite foods — It’s completely up to you!

    This is just my advice and each person deals differently, so you deal with it as you choose. All I can say now is keep on keepin’ on!

    Remember that God made you beautiful, therefore you are.

    xoxo Mahoney

  3. daybyday says:

    You don’t have to minimise your pain, it is real, it is just as debilitating as any other illness…because it is an illness.

    It will pass. This hate, this intensity will lessen. Every time you make the choice to continue to fight, the bulimia is not winning, even if it appears like it is. You are still standing…you are still prepared to want more than this disorder can ever give you and that means that you hold the power. Keep hanging in there because there will come a day when it does get a little easier. x

  4. Shae says:

    Eating disorders are insidious. They are invisible. You close the door to it, it goes through the window – close the window and it goes through the vents. They are hard to battle, absolute.

    But not impossible. I spent 10 years wrapped up in the shame and isolation of my eating disorder. I never thought I would get out, that I, too, was fighting an incurable battle. I was told by a few different doctors that I my eating disorder was terminal, and that even with another round of residential treatment, my disease was so “stubborn” that I would never get out and would, eventually die from it. Long story short: I got out. I am living out. It’s not been without a tremendous amount of work and tears and wanting to go back. But please hear me when I say that there is a way out, for you and for me and for everyone suffering.

    A good friend of mine, who is a recovered alcoholic and truly gets what I’m going through in my recovery told me, “The seeds of destruction are planted and the wolf is at the door.” That means that though we can, absolutely, recovery, we can never stop being vigilant. I can never diet. Period. She can never drink. Period. I am in recovery and she is recovered, but that doesn’t mean the battle stops. It also doesn’t mean we can’t be free.

    It is a long road. It is possible. It is worth it. Hang on.

  5. Hey,

    I am sorry that you are in such a bad place, eating disorders are beyond evil and really do tear your life apart. Any one who has suffered one can relate so much to how you are feeling now, so know that in that, you are not alone.

    It must feel impossible and never ending now; when in the midst of an eating disorder there feels no way out. But it is possible and you can do it- it takes time and a lot of commitment. Take baby steps- take it day by day and challenge your eating disorder in any way you can. Make tiny changes that scare you but are manageable and keep doing that and eventually your life will get better, step by step. Some steps are significant, huge ones such as getting rid of weighing scales, others are smaller, like skipping an exercise session or trying a different type of food. But each time you challenge yourself you are taking back control from your eating disorder.

    Please check out my blog and my pages, I have recently recovered from my eating disorder and I have posted my own story and recovery tips on here, I really hope they can help.
    http://measuringinsmiles.wordpress.com/

    Stay strong, you can fight this xxxx

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