Is recovery inevitable like I make myself believe? Or is it a mysterious land that spurs me on to exist even though it is a beautiful place which I will never reach? I feel like I am waiting for life after death. Does heaven exist? Or will I just float into oblivion? Will I go to hell? I don’t know.
Ok ok so I have actually been doing incredibly well for a week now. Eating clean, no calorie counting, exercising regularly (slightly obsessively?) and generally not listening to Mia or the thoughts she instills in me; or tries to. The thoughts and beliefs I am trying to resist. I feel like someone has a remote to my emotions because one day I wake up feeling so damn positive I think that life is the best thing that ever happened to me. The next minute, with the click of a finger, somebody has turned the serotonin switch off and I feel more black and blue than the midnight sky. I just don’t know which mood will strike and when. Or how to counteract them. Or how to change my own channels.
So I guess, at least I am getting somewhere. At least the on button is pressed occasionally. But it is still turned off all too often. All to often I still mentally curl up and close myself away from the rest of the world. Wither away in silence hoping that I will be flourished with sprouts of hope and I will once again stride on positively.
The thing that has never really left though is the questioning. The obsession. The confusion. Sure I haven’t counted calories and sure I have eaten pretty healthy. But that doesn’t mean every day I am not asking myself if I am doing the right thing? Have I done enough to feed Mia? Or have I done enough to kill her? Will she die or is she now a segment of my soul that will only die when I do? Should I eat this or should I stay away? Should I treat myself? Should I exercise though I feel ill, or tired, or my muscles ache? I don’t stop questioning the rights and wrongs. It feels like normality because compared to the depths of Ed it is incredibly, beautifully, calmly normal. But really, does everyone question this much?
I guess what I am questioning now, is that I feel like I have come very far in recovery. Despite the fact that I am well aware I am not recovered. But I am questioning if I will ever be free again? If I will ever be the girl I was? Well, that’s obvious. I wont be the girl I was because Ed has changed me forever. Mentally scarred me I guess. And whenever the stress of life’s hassles become too much Ed will always be there waiting for me, waiting to catch me when I fall into his sickeningly, deviously, manipulatively beautiful trap of competitive reward. However, will I ever be a girl who is completely and totally free of this illness? Will I ever be a girl who no longer feels the remnants or shards or broken pieces of Ed inside her? Will they dissolve in my blood or will they float forever, feeding through my system as my heart pumps them round my body with all the other cells that are so definitely part of me? Will they gradually be exhaled from my body, bit by bit, with each pump of my lungs? Or are they irremovable like tar-stained lungs, permanently damaged, from a heavy smoker? A smoker who no longer actively partakes in the process of smoking, but the remnants of such activities in the past scar and tar and damage their lungs with symptomatic smokers cough?
I should probably draw this to an end because I am well aware I am rambling. I won’t be the same person I was before the illness because it has changed me. I believe it has changed me for the better though. It has made me more capable, stronger, more aware, more conscious, more understanding, and at the end of the day hopefully a healthier person. But I just want to know, are symptoms of the illness itself going to persist forever, or simply these consequences? Does a broken computer function the same as it did before repair despite being made of different parts? I guess it’s different though because I am the same parts but I function differently now. I recover from Ed with many positive consequences. But will any negative symptoms persist? Will they only persist during certain times such as stress? Will they be avoidable? I don’t know. Maybe I won’tever know if I am truly free of it because I can’t remember how that feels. All I know is, it is getting so much better.