Sorry for me, from me.

I am sick to death of feeling sorry for myself. I have it so good in life, I am so lucky, and I am constantly pitying myself for the fact I seem to struggle with eating, drinking (water!) and getting my ass into action to do some exercise. I am sick of hating myself while making excuses, and questioning why I am this way.

I don’t need to be perfect and I need to stop expecting to be perfect.

I need to plan less and do more.

Excuses won’t work anymore. Excuses for my mistakes; instead I learn from them. I don’t forgive them.

The latest one is anaemia. I have been told I am borderline anaemic and my iron count is very low. This was about 18 hours ago and in that time I have been feeling sorry for myself, I have been giving myself a break, I have been using this as an excuse to let myself not do what I need to do. It’s almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy in this relatively short space of time – I should be feeling weak and tired and breathless, so I’ll make sure I do.

The thing that is sad is that none of my goals are unattainable by me. None of them.

There is absolutely nothing to stop be getting the body I want. I don’t have anything physically holding me back, or necessarily even mentally. I just need to believe in it so that I am inspired enough to achieve it. Of course I’m going to give up if I don’t believe it can ever happen.

There is absolutely nothing to stop me succeeding, to stop me being a decent person, to stop me being healthy or moral or popular or intelligent.

For me, it all boils down to self-belief. If I stop making excuses, stop fulfilling the wishes of my ED, stop questioning if I am doing everything right. If I just go with my dreams and ambitions I will get there, rather than questioning if following them is a waste of time or if it’s going to let me down or if I am following them right. I need to stop listening to ED, and start listening to what I want, and start believing in what I want.

It is true. The only thing stopping me being the person I want is myself.

I don’t need to question myself.

I don’t need to feel bad when I mess up.

I don’t need to forgive or excuse myself.

I don’t need to make up for mistakes anymore, just learn from them.

I don’t need to compare myself.

I just need to believe.

This feels like the billionth time I am going to try again. But before it’s been a fresh start with new rules, new changes, new modifications to my lifestyle, and it had to be perfect or I wasn’t doing it right.

Well, I am trying again. But not so much again because this is a continuation of every other attempt I have ever made. I am not leaving that behind, but I am bringing it all with me and using it to help me and aid me. It was not pointless or useless, and I don’t need to make up for it. I just need to remember it vividly, and to move on from it with a smile, thankful that I have had such an experience because it will make me stronger, kinder and better. This isn’t a new start; it’s just a change in thinking. This isn’t a fresh beginning. This doesn’t have to be perfect. There won’t be any rules or anything like that; the only change I am making is belief. Belief in myself, in what I am capable of, and that I am so much more than this ED.

It’s not about tomorrow, it’s about today. It’s not about then, it’s about now. It’s not about if, it’s about when.

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3 Responses to Sorry for me, from me.

  1. I urge you to hone in on this attitude.
    [It’s not about tomorrow, it’s about today. It’s not about then, it’s about now. It’s not about if, it’s about when.]
    And to really make amends with yourself about the past and push forward. As you said , it’s time to stop forgiving and excusing yourself- you’re the only one standing in your way.
    I believe that anyone can do something if they put their mind to and really put forth an effort.
    Eating disorders are more than what everyone sees them as. I’ve heard people all too often call them a cry for help-
    they’re more like an addiction, a disease… a combination of sorts; an addiction to disease.
    Keep your head up- you’re not in this battle alone. ❤

  2. nyxinked says:

    You may have it good in life etc but you still have a human right to feel how you feel. It’s not your fault that you have ended up with bulimia, depression or any other mental illness – you were dealt that hand without any consent. If you need to take time to feel sorry for yourself, do so.

    It’s easy to make all those ‘Live in the moment’, ‘Believe in myself’ affirmations – but honestly it’s so hard to actually live by them. You can say them and preach them, doing them and living them is bollocks.

    You don’t need to be perfect, you don’t need to compare yourself etc, but whether or not you can keep making yourself believe that is where the issues lie. I tell myself that stuff everyday, and I still struggle to get out of bed and actually like myself. I roll out, look at myself and feel either blood red hatred or just okay with myself, I’ll never like – or god forbid love – myself.

    I know that you don’t need to live up to any ones standards, I know you don’t need to be perfect, I know you need to take a moment and tell yourself that you ARE ENOUGH – I know that is true, but getting you to believe it and repeat it over and over every time you wake up, or every time you feel doubt is the hard thing.

    But you’ll be able to do it someday and the fact you wrote this post is one step in the right direction.

    Keep your head up and keep working at your recovery.

    x

  3. Pingback: Worth: Do I have any? | V Executive Coaching | Luis R. Valadez

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