I am sick to death of feeling sorry for myself. I have it so good in life, I am so lucky, and I am constantly pitying myself for the fact I seem to struggle with eating, drinking (water!) and getting my ass into action to do some exercise. I am sick of hating myself while making excuses, and questioning why I am this way.
I don’t need to be perfect and I need to stop expecting to be perfect.
I need to plan less and do more.
Excuses won’t work anymore. Excuses for my mistakes; instead I learn from them. I don’t forgive them.
The latest one is anaemia. I have been told I am borderline anaemic and my iron count is very low. This was about 18 hours ago and in that time I have been feeling sorry for myself, I have been giving myself a break, I have been using this as an excuse to let myself not do what I need to do. It’s almost become a self-fulfilling prophecy in this relatively short space of time – I should be feeling weak and tired and breathless, so I’ll make sure I do.
The thing that is sad is that none of my goals are unattainable by me. None of them.
There is absolutely nothing to stop be getting the body I want. I don’t have anything physically holding me back, or necessarily even mentally. I just need to believe in it so that I am inspired enough to achieve it. Of course I’m going to give up if I don’t believe it can ever happen.
There is absolutely nothing to stop me succeeding, to stop me being a decent person, to stop me being healthy or moral or popular or intelligent.
For me, it all boils down to self-belief. If I stop making excuses, stop fulfilling the wishes of my ED, stop questioning if I am doing everything right. If I just go with my dreams and ambitions I will get there, rather than questioning if following them is a waste of time or if it’s going to let me down or if I am following them right. I need to stop listening to ED, and start listening to what I want, and start believing in what I want.
It is true. The only thing stopping me being the person I want is myself.
I don’t need to question myself.
I don’t need to feel bad when I mess up.
I don’t need to forgive or excuse myself.
I don’t need to make up for mistakes anymore, just learn from them.
I don’t need to compare myself.
I just need to believe.
This feels like the billionth time I am going to try again. But before it’s been a fresh start with new rules, new changes, new modifications to my lifestyle, and it had to be perfect or I wasn’t doing it right.
Well, I am trying again. But not so much again because this is a continuation of every other attempt I have ever made. I am not leaving that behind, but I am bringing it all with me and using it to help me and aid me. It was not pointless or useless, and I don’t need to make up for it. I just need to remember it vividly, and to move on from it with a smile, thankful that I have had such an experience because it will make me stronger, kinder and better. This isn’t a new start; it’s just a change in thinking. This isn’t a fresh beginning. This doesn’t have to be perfect. There won’t be any rules or anything like that; the only change I am making is belief. Belief in myself, in what I am capable of, and that I am so much more than this ED.
It’s not about tomorrow, it’s about today. It’s not about then, it’s about now. It’s not about if, it’s about when.