Wow. Finally something positive. Normally its two steps forward one step back but sometimes that feels like 1,000,000 steps forward and 999,999 steps back. But I am finally making a bit more progress.
So I haven’t calorie counted for a while, and I’ve been eating relatively healthy. But not counting.
And I guess I had a kind of ‘epiphany’ tonight at how far I had come and how good I feel. When you are edging along at a slow and steady pace through the stepping stones of recovery it is easy to forget how far you’ve come. But I guess I turned round and I could barely see the point from which I had left anymore, glad that the fog of a shrouded memory made the haze thicker. It’s like with height where you grow but never really notice because it happens so slow, so bit-by-bit. Then one day you realise you can reach something you could never even touch before, or someone tells you how much you’ve changed.
Well, it sounds silly how proud I am when I tell you how small this seems to any healthy individual. But my god I am proud. I have come so far in recovery and I can finally smile some real smiles. I can finally look back and realise I am moving well and truly away. I can stare and feel proud at what is now behind me. I didn’t realise that I had travelled this far until I let myself take note of how far I’d come. It’s like I was frantically running in case the past caught up with me and pinned me down, dragged me back with it. But now I am far enough away to catch my breath and look behind me to check it is gone. And it is. I feel safe.
Well, I made a smoothie. Sure I have made smoothies before. But I would only put ‘bad’ stuff in them on binges. And on days when I was being healthy it would be fruit and a drizzle of milk. Maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know. But I added to it all the same. I didn’t feel like dinner so thought I would opt for a smoothie. In went the usual – banana, strawberries, raw spinach, soya milk. I thought I’d mix it up and added some pure cocoa. Well it tasted ok at first… but I soon noticed it had the after taste of vomit. I felt slightly disparaged. Maybe the cocoa was a bad idea and I should stick with plain fruit… Well, I added some peanut butter, vanilla essence, and a squirt of agave nectar. Sure this made it slightly unhealthier but it tasted absolutely amazing. Better than cake. So, so, so good. And it was still super healthy.
Ok I have gone on a tangent in praise of the incredible smoothie. Fact is, I sat there drinking it (more than content), and it suddenly struck me. I had not only just eaten some stuff that used to be forbidden (cocoa, peanut butter, agave, even soya milk!) but I hadn’t even weighed it. I had chucked it in. I used to have to weigh the spinach leaves but now I wasn’t even weighing peanut butter! I had just made it as I fancied. And it was generally still healthy so I had no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. I didn’t feel guilty. Not at all.
When I had anorexia and even bulimia I genuinely thought that maybe I would never ever do this again. Sure, maybe I would control the ED eventually but I would never comfortably eat as I liked. And I just did it. Without even realising at first?! I never thought this would be me again. I thought that to some extent I would always be dominated by the ED. Sure maybe it will always lurk in my shadow but man I am so much stronger than it is now. I am recovering more than I ever believed to be possible, truly. I feel so good, so healthy, so right. I didn’t think I would ever be this person again, or have this normality, or this freedom. But it is back. It feels wonderful. Liberty is a dream being fulfilled, finally.