I believe that tomorrow I will start to change my life. I know you’ve heard it before but there is something more to what I plan this time.
Each time I think I have practically recovered, something else happens to make me realise I was nowhere near before.
Well I decided I don’t want to calorie count anymore. I have been doing it for 4 years now and where has it got me? It has got me entangled into the blinding, deafening mess of an eating disorder. And surely one way to break through is to quit? Pack it in. Of course I am scared, but I am more excited than anything. I feel like I am being set free. Liberated, spreading my wings, walking from the walls of a prison, leaving the ship I‘ve been stuck on for months, a letter being opened, a chick hatching from an egg, running away from an abusive family, taking off clothes that were too tight and restricting, or like a ship in a bottle being set free to sail the oceans.
I am going to eat clean and healthy. Sight has returned to me, the darkness has lifted. I am part of the world again. I realise how to function.
All the things I couldn’t do before which I will now be able to do – I’ll be able to cook without worrying about counting the calories, I will be able to eat fruit while on the go despite not having scales to weigh it with, I will be able to treat my body with respect and feed it with what it wants and what it really needs.
I couldn’t put spinach in my smoothies because it was too complicated to weight it out etc. now I can.
I couldn’t mix up a lovely fruit salad because chopping, stoning, peeling, weighing etc would be a nightmare.
I am so excited!
This is going to make me into a different person. Over the months I have began to believe more and more and more that I am recovering but quitting calorie counting? This is like the final straw. This is like well and truly letting go. Giving up on my eating disorder. Kicking it to the curb. This is the last thing it wants. The last thing it wants is for me to give up on it – no I am not giving up, but yes I am giving up any faith I hold in my ED.
I have tried to give up calorie counting before but only in a desperate bid to reach the top of an unclimbable mountain, to break the walls of steel, to unlock a barred gate made of thick and solid iron, like a fish gasping for air under a thick sheet of ice, or a flower trying to grow under concrete. I only tried to quit calorie counting before because I thought it would set me free but despite this ED still had its grip. I closed my eyes from it but it was still there, in my thoughts.
But now I can feel it. I can feel its presence is fading, dying. I am reaching the peak of the mountain despite questioning whether I would ever get there. The steel is melting by the heat of my determination. The iron is rusting. The ice is fading with spring. The concrete… well maybe that was never there. ED is losing its grip on me at last.
I cannot tell you how happy this makes me and I do not really expect you to understand.
Just imagine your thoughts, your self-hatred, your way of life debilitating you with disgust, fear and guilt for years and years. And then for it to fade, in a matter of months. Wouldn’t you feel fantastic?
I cannot wait to look after my body. I owe it so much after 4 years of torturing it either by starvation or stuffing it with junk and using it as a rubbish bin for my emotions. I have so much to make up to it and I am determined that I will.
Like I said I have tried to quit calorie counting before but I knew I couldn’t break free. I told myself it would work but deep down knew it wouldn’t; I just had to tell myself simply so that I could get through. But now I know this will work. I have been floating on waves but now the anchor has been thrown and I feel stable with where I am. I won’t be stuck riding the waves anymore. They will have to work their way around my deeply rooted, confident self. Because I am in a better place and I am here for good, though repair work on the body of the ship may need doing in the meantime.
So I want to eat clean. Fresh produce (fruit and veg), loads of wholegrains, nutrient rich stuff, green tea and water, no refined carbs or added sugar and fats and salts, no more processed junk. And the beauty? I can eat as much as my body needs of this so long as I don’t stray from these foods. I no longer have to tell myself I can’t have anymore of what I need to function and survive, I have enough oil to stop the creaking of my bones, enough fuel to push my muscles, enough strength to pump my heart. Plus exercise of course.
I don’t care if you believe this will work but much as I love the support I get from every single reader of my blog, and the fact that this blog and my readers have been one of the most healing, therapeutic aspects of my recovery (without which I genuinely don’t know if I would be reaching this milestone). But I need you to understand that I know now, I know I am getting better. I don’t hope, believe, think, I know I am getting there. Reaching that destination I have been striving towards for months. I feel like Christopher Columbus discovering a new country. At first I questioned if it was a figment of my imagination, or a weird hue on the horizon, or an optical illusion formed by the vast capabilities of nature. But no, it is clear now, it is real. Thus, whether or not you believe me, I will show you that you had reason to.
If you can be excited with me, then I would be delighted. I will get better.