I am having a struggle this morning. And it isn’t the usual; it isn’t that I want to binge.
I made myself wake up relatively early (I want to get my sleeping pattern a bit more on track, I am definitely not one for being nocturnal).
I woke up feeling a bit sick, my stomach was churning and my muscles felt weak. Don’t really know why. So I took I easy for an hour or so.
I wanted to go for a run this morning, but I am attempting, and somehow managing, to say no. To resist the compulsion, the overwhelming guilt that comes with saying no.
Actually it’s not that I want to run this morning, and feel bad because I can’t and my legs have that electric feeling and my body wants to move. It’s not that I am having to say no to. It’s something that people without an ED don’t truly understand. Everyone feels a bit guilty if they miss exercise, but they can sort of brush it off as a one off. Mine eats at me. Like resisting a tic, or refusing to stretch a cramp. It is almost a form of OCD actually; if I don’t do my exercise something bad is going to happen in that I will get fatter, I will lose any muscle tone I have. I am so scared of saying no, but then I realised if I want to change my lifestyle then I have to accept feeling run down and slightly under the weather is a valid excuse to avoid exercise. I am not being lazy. I do not feel up to it. My body doesn’t want the stress of it today.
I am sitting at my desk trying to convince myself that I am still a valid person, I am still strong, I still have willpower, because I didn’t go for my run due to feeling poorly.
I am, like I said I would, facing bulimia head on. Fuck you. I am a worthy person just because I don’t do what you tell me. And I will be better off for it in the long run (literally long run).
I’ll finish by elaborating. Exercise is my compensation technique. It is as central to my eating disorder as the eating, as the binges, the fasting, the coping, the crying, the weighing, the food. It is like avoiding the urge to purge. It cleanses me, it refreshes me, it makes me believe I am good enough.
But today, like I promised I would, I am changing my beliefs. And that means I believe I can be good enough without it.