One of Those Days…

One of those days where it feels like I am trying to swim through ice. Cold, painful, but most importantly, immobile.

I woke up and tried to mask my dread at tackling the day. I ate breakfast and did some of my scrapbook, pretending to be normal. I read some of my recovery book (a fantastic book), and then had my phone call with the psych.

I have spent the day kidding myself I am fine but I am not. And here I am – bingeing.

It is one of those days I don’t want to fight, but you simply have to, because it’s like having a monster on your back you can’t fight anymore, but if you don’t it won’t leave you. I am a fox being chased by a pack of hounds, and they are close to killing me but I have to keep running though I am so damn tired.

I want to walk away but I cannot do that because bulimia is my shadow.

I don’t want to fight it; I want it to leave me. But it won’t leave me unless I keep fighting but I am so tired of it clogging my thoughts and suffocating me.

I just lay on my bed and thought I want a rest. But I cannot have one from this disease, which I have also realised is perhaps becoming an epidemic after reading some statistics from my book.

I feel sick; I want to be empty.

However, every cloud has a silver lining and this rather sombre post has a very, very positive side. I have been feeling lost again, like I am at a junction and have no idea which road to take (maybe that’s what recovery is, it isn’t a straight path but a series of roundabouts and you have to choose the exit carefully to avoid going back a step or hitting a dead end). But the therapist put me back on track. It is like I am an ant trying to find its nest and every time I stray off she picks me up and puts me back in place. I feel independent and in control yet monitored and helped. She told me, from this past week, it looks like planning what to eat a day in advance might do some good. So as of tonight, I start planning. I still eat forbidden foods, I still eat 1540, but all I do is plan what those foods will be the night before. That way the day may feel more manageable.

So that’s it until next time, in which I have restored faith that I will be progressing on the road to recovery once again after this little breather.

In fact, I will be honest. I know I have said this a million times but I really believe tomorrow is a fresh start. Another attempt to kill the beast inside me. I have tried to kill it dozens of times but I feel hopeful that this time I will. Or at least, I will get closer to finally doing so. 

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6 Responses to One of Those Days…

  1. daybyday says:

    This is a big part of recovery. Never knowing which way to go and making those exits at a road littered with roundabouts. It’s also about having bad days, and knowing it’s ok to have those but still finding it in yourself to brush yourself down and try again tomorrow. You keep trying until you get there and you get to be free from this. It will happen x

  2. Kat says:

    Which recovery book are you reading? I think it’s great that your therapist has a helping hand in your recovery, and I agree that planning your food a day in advance might help give some structure and manageability to your day. Your last paragraph is so admirable, no matter how your days go, please always look at tomorrow as a fresh start ♥

    • anon013 says:

      It’s called Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr Christopher Fairburn. Would recommend it to anyone and everyone with bulimia or BED. Thank you very much for your support, it is encouraging to know we have a chance to start again when we need to 🙂

  3. clementinegoesusa says:

    I was bulimic for over 10 years. It seemed impossible that I would ever break free from this terrible pattern. When I think about it now, the satisfaction from the binge in and of itself, it still seems incredibly tempting.
    Don’t worry too much about the behavior, so much as the emotion that pushes you to that corner. The stress and anxiety, calling you out. You trying to push them away, to ignore them, and binging being the only exit. As you make your way to the fridge, to the pantry, try to think about what you’re feeling. Don’t stop, even, just try to consciously experience what you’re feeling, and identifying what’s causing it. The binge is a symptom of an underlying issue that you’re not addressing, or not in a position to address for now. Don’t chastize yourself for doing this; it’s all you know and it’s not your fault. Be patient with yourself.
    You will overcome this, you really will 🙂


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