But most importantly, I am ready to try.
I will try and keep this short and sweet because I want to sleep!
Finished the mission I started about 2 or 3 weeks ago of clearing out my room. I even chucked something out that was a present when I was born. I have decluttered years worth of stuff, whether that be memories or crazy projects I started when I was 10 years old or stuff I thought would come in handy one day. I would say about a third of my room is gone.
I don’t want to collect this much stuff together again. I don’t want to be weighed down by possessions. I only really want stuff I use and need, not stuff I might use and might need because that is like carrying a weight around, its stifling and suffocating, it debilitates you.
It feels like you can breathe in my room again. Before it felt like walls closing in. clutter. Trying to find a space to move; I like to think we have all been in that position before. It felt a little like a graveyard, but now I am seeing the space as an open field.
What has this got to do with bulimia and recovery? Now that I can move, can think, can breathe, have space. I can start again. I have thrown away parts of the old me, parts that I clung onto in case they became part of me again (whether I wanted that or not), clothes that might fit again one day if I could just be thin enough, but I have accepted to move on. It is time to start a new stage and that means letting go of the past and the illness. Some of the stuff I chucked was crap, but I did chuck a fair bit of stuff with sentimental value. Related to my ED, to my past, to who I used to be.
Try again. I don’t want to say this will be a clean slate, of course it won’t. Just because I have gutted my room and made it churn out the insides it no longer needs, doesn’t mean I will wake up bulimia and worry free. Just because I have operated and removed most the tumour doesn’t mean the cancer is gone yet. Just because I have screwed together the broken bone doesn’t mean it’s ready to function. Just because I have cauterised the vessels and stopped the bleeding doesn’t meant the mess of previous blood shed will clean itself. I have started recovering, I have removed what needed removing and binned the prospect of being who I used to, I have accepted it is time to change and grow and evolve. But that doesn’t automatically make me better.
But I want to say I have hit the refresh button. Everything that was there still is, but I am looking at it in a different light and it is no longer frozen or crashed. My life can start moving again.
The wheels of my life have once again started turning as I rise out of this rut I have been stuck in, and the rust that encoats them, ie my ED, is being shaken off.