Ready to try… Again

But most importantly, I am ready to try.

I will try and keep this short and sweet because I want to sleep!

Finished the mission I started about 2 or 3 weeks ago of clearing out my room. I even chucked something out that was a present when I was born. I have decluttered years worth of stuff, whether that be memories or crazy projects I started when I was 10 years old or stuff I thought would come in handy one day. I would say about a third of my room is gone. 

I don’t want to collect this much stuff together again. I don’t want to be weighed down by possessions. I only really want stuff I use and need, not stuff I might use and might need because that is like carrying a weight around, its stifling and suffocating, it debilitates you.

It feels like you can breathe in my room again. Before it felt like walls closing in. clutter. Trying to find a space to move; I like to think we have all been in that position before. It felt a little like a graveyard, but now I am seeing the space as an open field.

What has this got to do with bulimia and recovery? Now that I can move, can think, can breathe, have space. I can start again. I have thrown away parts of the old me, parts that I clung onto in case they became part of me again (whether I wanted that or not), clothes that might fit again one day if I could just be thin enough, but I have accepted to move on. It is time to start a new stage and that means letting go of the past and the illness. Some of the stuff I chucked was crap, but I did chuck a fair bit of stuff with sentimental value. Related to my ED, to my past, to who I used to be.

Try again. I don’t want to say this will be a clean slate, of course it won’t. Just because I have gutted my room and made it churn out the insides it no longer needs, doesn’t mean I will wake up bulimia and worry free. Just because I have operated and removed most the tumour doesn’t mean the cancer is gone yet. Just because I have screwed together the broken bone doesn’t mean it’s ready to function. Just because I have cauterised the vessels and stopped the bleeding doesn’t meant the mess of previous blood shed will clean itself. I have started recovering, I have removed what needed removing and binned the prospect of being who I used to, I have accepted it is time to change and grow and evolve. But that doesn’t automatically make me better.

But I want to say I have hit the refresh button. Everything that was there still is, but I am looking at it in a different light and it is no longer frozen or crashed. My life can start moving again.

The wheels of my life have once again started turning as I rise out of this rut I have been stuck in, and the rust that encoats them, ie my ED, is being shaken off.

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2 Responses to Ready to try… Again

  1. robertlfs says:

    Best to you as you go about your important life!

  2. amandalannon says:

    Well done. I say that loud and clear. Well done. That is a fantastic and brave action. Possessions can end up possessing you. I have decluttered so much in the last six years and each time it has been healing. The things that have been sentimental value, the things that were “just in case” the things to remind me of my past. Never again. I was tempted to throw out photo’s but I thought that a step too far, so they have been banished to the loft. Out of sight, out of mind. Just remember not to look back, do not let the lie of regret settle in your mind, you did a very very good thing.

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