Eating 1540 whilst also working out (maybe slightly excessively but hardly). I feel incredible. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.
Is that what it’s like to feel normal? The eating disorder has almost become a creature inside me and I am watching it wither and die. I hate to see anything or anyone die but this one couldn’t go quick enough. It’s shrinking and I am trampling it down. Kicking it. Blood thirsty. So unlike me to want to do anything like that but this has destroyed the best part of 3 years of my life. It’s destroyed relationships, plans, emotions and thoughts, it has destroyed my personality and who I am and finally rising above it is genuinely one of the greatest feelings, and greatest accomplishments, I have ever experienced.
I feel like I have cracked and shell that has been surrounding me. I am being born into new life.
I cannot describe to you the feelings of energy, contentment, satiation.
This is me now, not it. I am so liberated. I have left prison and am adjusting to life on the outside. For those of you who have read all my blogs, do you remember the cave I posted about that I was trapped in? I have stood up out of the dark, dank corner where I was trapped. Doing so made my aching bones creak and it was painful and difficult and made me cry in desperation. But I walked towards the exit where real life was on the outside and every step I took towards it made me more and more human. I am still not outside ED cave into the real world just yet but I can see it – the sunlight and beauty, I can smell it, and I have been transformed. I am not a monster anymore because I have suffocated the monster inside me. I am becoming human again. I am shedding this skin.
Spoke to the ED clinic, and we compared food records from a couple of days ago, and those that were from about 5 days into treatment. The change was astounding. Before breakfast was an apple, lunch was a yoghurt, a cereal bar in the afternoon, and a relatively good dinner (pasta). Now I was eating much more stuff and much more variety.
She gave me an analogy. She said:
If you hold your breath for as long as you possibly can, what will happen afterwards? You will take a really big one to make up for the time without it. And it is the same with eating; if you go without food you will need and crave excess to replenish yourself, whereas if you just eat (breathe) normally it will maintain a natural and healthy pattern.
I also told her how I feel more at one with myself, feeling like a bit of a hippy saying it. But she reassured me, my mind has been fighting my body and finally they are coming together – you will feel a sense of unity.
I think I have gone on long enough but I could tell you forever how brilliant recovery is. But one last thing. I just went to say hi to dad after not seeing him for a while since being back at uni. He commented that I looked as though I had lost a bit of weight. It’s always nice to hear but this is the best time to hear it because I increased my calorie intake by 350 calories to 1540, and I didn’t put on half a stone in the space of a week like I was terrified I would. I lost some!
Very few things have felt as beautiful to me as recovery. It is like an angel has saved me, because I was dying. I was giving up hope and suddenly I am swooping above it all. I got so low that something lifted me out of it. If I went any lower I would have crumbled completely and to suddenly soar above it all is the most gratifying feeling. Something is carrying me away from this, I don’t know who or what, but it is magical.