Recovery tastes so damn sweet.

Eating 1540 whilst also working out (maybe slightly excessively but hardly). I feel incredible. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.

Is that what it’s like to feel normal? The eating disorder has almost become a creature inside me and I am watching it wither and die. I hate to see anything or anyone die but this one couldn’t go quick enough. It’s shrinking and I am trampling it down. Kicking it. Blood thirsty. So unlike me to want to do anything like that but this has destroyed the best part of 3 years of my life. It’s destroyed relationships, plans, emotions and thoughts, it has destroyed my personality and who I am and finally rising above it is genuinely one of the greatest feelings, and greatest accomplishments, I have ever experienced.

I feel like I have cracked and shell that has been surrounding me. I am being born into new life.

I cannot describe to you the feelings of energy, contentment, satiation.

This is me now, not it. I am so liberated. I have left prison and am adjusting to life on the outside. For those of you who have read all my blogs, do you remember the cave I posted about that I was trapped in? I have stood up out of the dark, dank corner where I was trapped. Doing so made my aching bones creak and it was painful and difficult and made me cry in desperation. But I walked towards the exit where real life was on the outside and every step I took towards it made me more and more human. I am still not outside ED cave into the real world just yet but I can see it – the sunlight and beauty, I can smell it, and I have been transformed. I am not a monster anymore because I have suffocated the monster inside me. I am becoming human again. I am shedding this skin.

Spoke to the ED clinic, and we compared food records from a couple of days ago, and those that were from about 5 days into treatment. The change was astounding. Before breakfast was an apple, lunch was a yoghurt, a cereal bar in the afternoon, and a relatively good dinner (pasta). Now I was eating much more stuff and much more variety.

She gave me an analogy. She said:

If you hold your breath for as long as you possibly can, what will happen afterwards? You will take a really big one to make up for the time without it. And it is the same with eating; if you go without food you will need and crave excess to replenish yourself, whereas if you just eat (breathe) normally it will maintain a natural and healthy pattern.

I also told her how I feel more at one with myself, feeling like a bit of a hippy saying it. But she reassured me, my mind has been fighting my body and finally they are coming together – you will feel a sense of unity.

I think I have gone on long enough but I could tell you forever how brilliant recovery is. But one last thing. I just went to say hi to dad after not seeing him for a while since being back at uni. He commented that I looked as though I had lost a bit of weight. It’s always nice to hear but this is the best time to hear it because I increased my calorie intake by 350 calories to 1540, and I didn’t put on half a stone in the space of a week like I was terrified I would. I lost some!

Very few things have felt as beautiful to me as recovery. It is like an angel has saved me, because I was dying. I was giving up hope and suddenly I am swooping above it all. I got so low that something lifted me out of it. If I went any lower I would have crumbled completely and to suddenly soar above it all is the most gratifying feeling. Something is carrying me away from this, I don’t know who or what, but it is magical.

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9 Responses to Recovery tastes so damn sweet.

  1. Nightingale says:

    Thanks you. You’re very brave for sharing this, and honestly, this post helped me so much. I’m on the way out of depression, and this just inspired me, and made me feel that I can make it 🙂

    • anon013 says:

      Aw thanks! Very glad I could be of help. There are always up days and down days and I guess today was an up day for me, but we are both on the way out of our illness’ so hopefully for both of us the up days will become more and more..! Good luck x

      • Nightingale says:

        I certainly hope so. I’m kinda nervous for tomorrow. My school is holding a sports day, in which we have to wear shorts. Only problem, I have self harm scars all down my legs. I guess that it’s just one of those things I have to get through before I get better, but it doesn’t make the prospect any more terrifying. It’s such a help having people on the internet I can relate to

  2. turbotwins says:

    You are so courageous for sharing this. You should check out our TurboTwinsChallenge! Starts Monday! It’s all about building muscle!! 🙂 We are using Instagram to keep us accountable and motivated, #turbotwinschallenge
    http://turbotwins.wordpress.com/2013/06/20/month-1-workout/

  3. Dabney says:

    Great, honest post. Been there sweet girl, so know you’re not alone. And keep writing! Excellent way to detox and heal. :):) Big hugs.

  4. I am glad that you are feeling better and things are going upward–and also that you are receiving help from outside sources. That will really aid you in your recovery. Keep moving forward.
    –JW

  5. loveletters says:

    your last paragraph is amazing. If and when times get tough, refer back to that! You are a warrior ❤

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