I need you to. Because I am losing faith in myself. Every time I think I have figured out what I am doing wrong I go and binge and throw myself off track.
But I cannot do that again, this has to be it. The first day of my new beginning.
See part of it is that I don’t particularly want to binge. I don’t want to feel sick or bloated or headachey. But I still want to enjoy food. But I have come to realise that happens by doing it in moderation (shock horror). I won’t enjoy it if I eat too much, nor too little.
I am scared. I don’t want to give in again. I want this to work; I need it to work because I am on the edge of breakdown as a result of this ED.
I don’t really know what to say beause you’ve heard it all before.
“I promise this is the last time”
“I wont binge ever again”
“I can make it work this time”
“This is a lifestyle change”
Its like a broken record stuck on repeat in my head and its driving me crazy, so I have to fix it and make it run smoothly, to the next level of the song, before I break the whole damn thing.
I am running out of ways to mend it but I cant leave it be or buy another because this isn’t any song but this is my life. For four years the same part has been playing over, and over. I have tried various ways to make it move onto the next level but I can’t and I’m getting desperate. I hate the fact I spend hours exercising only to throw it all away when the record backtracks and I binge – again. It plays a new note but not for long, it moves back to the old tune soon enough. The rusty, rotten, loathsome, moaning, whining tune. I want my life to move on from this jammed and endless repeat. I want this to stop and maybe the only way is patience until it figures out its own way to move on.
No more scrapbooks, no more plans or rules or regulations, no more set meals, from now on. I live as a normal person would, maybe that will work.
Please believe in me one more time.