Believe in me one more time.

I need you to. Because I am losing faith in myself. Every time I think I have figured out what I am doing wrong I go and binge and throw myself off track.

But I cannot do that again, this has to be it. The first day of my new beginning.

See part of it is that I don’t particularly want to binge. I don’t want to feel sick or bloated or headachey. But I still want to enjoy food. But I have come to realise that happens by doing it in moderation (shock horror). I won’t enjoy it if I eat too much, nor too little.

I am scared. I don’t want to give in again. I want this to work; I need it to work because I am on the edge of breakdown as a result of this ED.

I don’t really know what to say beause you’ve heard it all before.

“I promise this is the last time”

“I wont binge ever again”

“I can make it work this time”

“This is a lifestyle change”

Its like a broken record stuck on repeat in my head and its driving me crazy, so I have to fix it and make it run smoothly, to the next level of the song, before I break the whole damn thing.

I am running out of ways to mend it but I cant leave it be or buy another because this isn’t any song but this is my life. For four years the same part has been playing over, and over. I have tried various ways to make it move onto the next level but I can’t and I’m getting desperate. I hate the fact I spend hours exercising only to throw it all away when the record backtracks and I binge – again. It plays a new note but not for long, it moves back to the old tune soon enough. The rusty, rotten, loathsome, moaning, whining tune. I want my life to move on from this jammed and endless repeat. I want this to stop and maybe the only way is patience until it figures out its own way to move on.

No more scrapbooks, no more plans or rules or regulations, no more set meals, from now on. I live as a normal person would, maybe that will work.

Please believe in me one more time.

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6 Responses to Believe in me one more time.

  1. robertlfs says:

    I have been a recovering alcoholic for over 25 years and have only recently begun effectively dealing with my eating disorder. What I have learned is that with alcoholism, one simply does not consume mind altering drugs and is considered “sober” and effectively living in recovery. Regardless of not drinking, one can be on a dry drunk, white knuckling it, or whatever. I have come to see that luxury does not really exist with eating disorders, at least in the same way. That is, one cannot simply not eat and be on a dry drunk. I have found that my binge food is food. I can binge as easily on dried kale as I can on Krispie Kreme donuts. At the same time, if I am in a good place in my head, one scoop of ice cream is enough and I do not crave more.

    I had an experience several years ago that was quite illuminating to me. I had gotten down to a good weight for me, had not binged in a long time, and life was going well. My wife got a phone call from one of our daughters (my step-daughter). The daughter was conveying to my wife how her biological father had physically attacked her, had his hands around her throat, etc. etc. So, my wife is having the phone converation and I am just standing there, but can pick up enough from what my wife is saying to get the gist of the conversation. The converesation went on for about 5 minutes. At the start of the conversation there was a package of cookies sitting on the kitchen counter. By the end of the conversation five minutes later, there were no cookies left. I had eaten them all. I learned that I eat for the same reason that I drink – to avoid dealing with reaity straight on without feeding my addictions.

    I say all of this to say that for me, staying sober, abstinent or keeping my addictions at bay requires me to be able to deal with life on life’s terms. For me, feeding my addictions is deciding not to live in the real world.

    I also wish to note that I consider ED more complex that alcoholism, nicotine, or other types of addictions and I do not consider myself an expert at all – just sharing my experience, strength, and hope.

    I have found the book Purge by Nicole Johns very helpful. She also has a FB page.

    Best to you.

    Robert

    • anon013 says:

      Very sorry for the late reply, been extremely bogged down but nonetheless very much appreciate your relating to my post. Dealing with an eating disorder is stress enough so I have no idea how you cope with alcoholism as well.
      You’re totally right in that it is a method of escaping the real world. I think the time I am most likely to binge is with stress and misery, and equally the current stage I am at in recovery is finding alternative coping mechanism. Ours is to eat in the same way that for a smoker it’s to have a fag, for a self-harm addict it’s to cut, or for somebody into fitness it is to go for a run etc.. and I guess it is a case of finding a way that is a bit more logical and manageable, less damaging. I have no idea how my coping mechanism progressed towards food but now I find it is that way and only recently realised that as you say, it is a coping mechanism, thus it is a case of treating that aspect of the disorder and finding alternatives or other methods.
      Will definitely look into the book. Equally I recommend Overcoming Binge Eating by Dr. Christopher Fairburn 🙂
      Thanks again for sharing your experience, and good luck to you too!

  2. bootsie90 says:

    It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I know the disorder makes it feel that way. Either I have to be perfect and recovered or knee deep in ED. But, just being able to not binge/purge once is a HUGE step in the right direction. “I won’t purge this time” at least for me, is WAY easier to consider than “I’ll never do it again.” Cut yourself some slack, this is really fucking hard work. Just wanting to change is an accomplishment. Stay strong!

    • anon013 says:

      Very true, the black and white type thinking comes into play with EDs and there is no space for inbetween. I think this actually ingrains the ED further as it makes it harder to fight. It is hard though, we just have to keep fighting against it til it’s gone 🙂

  3. missfromm says:

    I completely get this back-and-forth struggle. I can really see myself in this post; I’m pretty much at this same place. **hug** But the mere fact that you’ve tried, tried, over and over, speaks volumes about your strength and determination. You can do ittttttt

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