It’s only 12:22. I woke up late and had no motivation despite a very busy day ahead.
All I wanted to do was binge.
Went for a run… *forced* myself.
Started my recovery scrapbook to try to convince myself this was a new start.
But if it is a new start then why oh why do I still feel the same as I always have? Where is this new beginning that I am promising myself or am I constantly part of the same never ending cycle? Should I stop dreaming of freedom? Is this cage unbreakable, are these walls indestructible?
Run was tricky, I am very unfit because every time I start training I go back to square 1 with a binge.
My confidence ad self-esteem have plummeted to rock bottom today. On days like this, my eating disorder drowns my logic and self-respect and self-worth and it is best to just try to numb the mind until the day is done. Today I feel worthless but I know it won’t last because the real me knows I am not this person bulimia makes me believe I am. I just have to let ED win for today.
It is so cruel, this aspect of the illness. The parts that physically affect you by making you eat too much or too little are cruel, but this is plain torture. To loathe yourself, to believe that you are not good enough to live in this world, to believe you are truly, genuinely unlovable and worthless. To believe you will never match up. To honestly think that you are vile and disgusting, hateful, hopeless, a wreck. That everybody else is perfect in comparison to you. That you are a fault that would be better off dead. That nobody could love you. That nobody does love you and that people only are with you or like you because somebody has to take the burden of it. That is, in my opinion, the worst, most inescapable aspect of all. To feel like you don’t fit in. That you never will. That you are a waste of space. And that you are sickening and twisted and evil.
I know it is bulimia not me. I know it is. I didn’t used to realise, before I started recovering, but now I know this isn’t me; it’s my illness.
Fortunately, these days in which it smothers me are becoming less and less.
All I can do is try not to binge.