I think I am getting better. I believe I am getting better.
The past 3 days I have eaten 1540. I went to the gym the day before last and this morning I went for a run in the sunshine with my music – and it was bliss. My muscles weren’t starving, I knew I would eat when I get home to feed them and reward my body for its work. Renew it.
Also I didn’t beat myself up if I didn’t do the right amount in the way that I used to, thus it was enjoyable. I didn’t hate myself if I didn’t run the whole of the hill, or an extra ten seconds just to be sure I had done the right amount. I didn’t have to burn just 10 more calories (repeat countless times) on the cross trainer or rower. It was wonderful. I was working with my body rather than against it.
Over the past few days I have been virtually living off forbidden foods. I’ve had things I never dreamed I could have before whilst still being on a *healthy* diet. I have had granola, peanut butter, olive oil, feta, olives, egg sandwich, fruit tea, humus, pitta bread, crumpets, even an ice cream! I feel so good! I can feel my body functioning, it’s happy because I am finally learning to treat it right (I realise an ice cream isn’t necessarily right but it was low calorie and I bloody loved it!)
I am not going to pretend I am completely better. I still have to weigh out food gram for gram, I still have to count calories strictly, I still have the digits of intake swamping my mind. I still have the compulsion to exercise; I didn’t want to go for my run this morning and it wasn’t until I was doing it that I enjoyed it.
But I am definitely getting there. And the best thing of all? The feeling. I walked home from my run, and felt normal. Healthy. Happy. I felt I was who I want to be. I felt at one to myself. I couldn’t help but tell myself I was recovering for real.
The four years of pain, the four years of suffering, the four years of restriction and bullying myself, punishing myself, hating myself. It wasn’t worth it. But the beauty of recovery, and of learning to love myself and to see through eyes that aren’t tinted with depression, almost makes it worthwhile. I know I will have downs. I know bad things will still happen. But I feel human again.
I hope this continues.
I think it will continue.
I deserve this.