I want to change. Can I change?

Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. Been ridiculously stressed out with exams plus the looming prospect of moving from one student house to another in less than a months time. Packing, cleaning, cramming revision, argument with bf, and letting down friends. That’s all you’ve missed, really. Though also lots of lovely time with bf, some good times with friends – it’s not all been bad. 

But that’s not what you’re here for, is it? You’re hear re: bulimia.

I’ve been fucked over.

I believed the plan that the ED clinic gave me would work but it hasn’t; it’s failed me.

I’ve eaten bad for several days now.

I just want to like myself. I just want to feel confident. Every girl wants to feel pretty, attractive, sexy. Every boy does. Why can’t I?!

I hate myself. I am a vile excuse for a human being.

I want to eat but I want to be slim.

OK, PLAN.

 I need to stop floating through life telling myself tomorrow will be different, then waking up to find I am still bulimic, I am still the same person, I still haven’t changed. I still look in the mirror with dread and wake up to feel a weight pound my mind and drag me down. I still wake up questioning how the hell I am going to manage my eating that day. What will I eat? Will I binge? When will I get some exercise done?

Today, I tidy up. I write the eating disorder sheets.

I need some sort of book to describe my challenges. I need a catalog of progress, a coping mechanism. I need something to lean on. Art work, whatever, I need something now. I think I’ll start a scrapbook, though I have to get my hands on one first…

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