I just want you to understand.

People who have never had an eating disorder simply cannot understand

They can try they’re best but will never truly get it.

And this isn’t a criticism; I didn’t understand before I had one, what would compell you to do something that was destroying you bit by bit, day by day? Who on Earth would live by such twisted rules? Who would choose to eat themself to illness and starve themself until their muscles ached to walk?

My mum gets me. She gets me so so well, and she almost gets the ED. But she will never truly catch on to what it’s all about without having one. And who could expect anyone to?

I don’t understand schizophrenics, or psychotics, drug addicts, narcissists, kleptomaniacs, pyromaniacs, or even those who are simply ignorant or selfish. But they have they’re reasons, and so do I, even if I have know idea where they stem from or what part of me is letting this ED live inside me.

When I was a little girl, I had this odd idea of mine that I used to say to people sometimes. “I would love it if I could be anorexic. Then one day, because I’ll be underweight, I can eat whatever I want that day. I can have melted chocolate and cream for breakfast, endless cakes and sweets, and it won’t matter because I’ll be too skinny!”
Forgive my naivity; I was about 8. Maybe this is where my problems stem! Some subconscious deep rooted desire… Work your magic, Freud…

I just want you to live one day, or one week, with this illness. I just want you to understand. To know what it’s like to fight with your own thoughts that cannot simply be switched off or shut down like a computer. I am much more complex than that (unfortunately). I want you to know what it’s like to be imprisoned by food, weight, shape, calories, pounds and kilos and stones and grams, scales, inches and centimeters, fat, sugar, carbs, exercise, self-doubt, comparison, bulges, image…  I feel tormented. I am bullying myself and I want you to simply understand how shit that feels. Tell me stop – I can’t. Make me – you can try but I don’t know how successful you’ll be. Everyone thinks these thoughts can be switched off but they can’t, you have to live with them or not live at all. You have to fight them or be defeated. You have to numb yourself or be sucked in by sorrow.

Please, just understand. 

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