I know you’ve heard this before; I too have heard this before. But that doesn’t mean I cannot try again, simply because I cannot carry on the way I have been.
For a week now I have been eating my ‘forbidden foods’ in vast quantities. I have been bingeing.
I hate myself. I feel worthless. I have to coat myself in make up to conceal my true identity from the world.
I had my final binge tonight. It was shameful but I cannot hide it from you because you are with me in this every step of the way, right? I had a big packet of crisps. I had 2 yoghurts. I had 2 milkshakes. I had a cheese salad. I had a bag of cholocate minstrels.
My stomach hurts. I want to be somebody else, I don’t want bulimia to exist in me anymore.
I have to weigh myself tomorrow for the ED people, but I can’t face it so may do it Friday instead. Mum is coming because I’m still too much of a coward to go to the clinic by myself, and I am scared she’ll say I have put on weight. Well she wouldn’t say it, but I am scared she’ll think it.
I am scared.
But, alas, this blog post isn’t meant to be one where I milk the pity. This blog is one where I lay down the ground rules of my attempt at a new lifestyle that I desperately want but will probably fail to maintain somewhere down the line. No! I cannot expect to fail.
This time, I don’t have to binge ever again. I really can lose weight this time. I am notgoing to binge again because I am worth more than that. I do not need food to comfort myself or to feed this tic in my brain that feeds of the ED. I will starve this addiction if it kills me. I won’t binge again because I deserve more, because I want to be proud and happy and confident, because I want to be healthy and normal and slim.
The sad thing is I have it all apart from my sanity,
I have the most supportive boyfriend. I love him and he loves me. I won’t go into the boring lovey crap but basically he is there for me, he supports me, he compliments me, he loves me bulimic or not, and he will help me get better because he told me my problems are his. He said he wants to see me recover. He makes me happy.
They say you can’t choose your family, but I was blessed with mine. My mum, dad, and brother. I wouldn’t swap them for the world because without them I would crumble. They are my scaffolding until I am strong enough to stand alone in this world, they hold me up and keep me strong. They protect me until I can withstand life alone. They keep me alive.
My friends. I am not overly popular but I have 5 very close friends and I could turn to any one of them with a problem. Then, above that, I have a bigger social circle of more distant friends and acquaintances that keep the days lively and bright.
I apparently have looks but I won’t go into that because I don’t believe it.
However here is the problem. If I could lose weight I could believe it, because I do have the basic underlying features of an attractive woman.
So here is the new plan.
1) I think positive, confident, optimistic. You will have to make a conscious effort to do so but so be it.
2) I diet, but if I need to up my calories I do. I do a manageable, permanent diet. That is, if my energy starts to flag then I eat to maintain weight for a day to restore energy.
3) I focus on work and I enjoy learning.
4) I try to be a good girlfriend, sister, friend, daughter.
5) I learn to appreciate, love, and admire myself. I compliment myself. I look at what I have enjoyed and achieved every single day.
6) I exercise within reason. And enjoy it rather than believing it is a chore.
7) I plan my time more effectively and don’t waste time. I sleep well within this plan.
8) I am more organised. With my tidiness, notes, housing, plans etc.
9) I never binge again. Because it makes me ill, depressed, alone.
10) I don’t let the ED define me. Because I am bigger and better and superior to it.
Reader, here we go. I know I promised to change and failed but can I not try again? I wouldn’t be surprised if after this I have to try yet again because I will probably stumble again on the way. But I will get there eventually.
But this is Take 2. Attempt 2. I am going to tackle my problem, my illness, my mentality once again. And this time I will try even harder to succeed. I know I am capable, and I will eventually prove it to you.
Stick by me, until I can tell you I am no longer bulimic.
Attempt number 2 begins now.