I am not happy.
I am not sad.
I am however scared but when am I not scared of everything in life?
I am happy because it is my last week of lectures this week. Then I can go home for reading week to revise, go back to uni for a week and a half to sit my exams… then SUMMER! ❤
But I am sad because the time between now and then is going to be tough. I am floating between uni-town and home-town and don’t really know where I stand in life. Am I going to binge today, or fast? I have been a shit housemate lately because I have been spending loads of time at home despite the fact one of my friends kind of needs me atm. But I need myself simply to get through. I am sad because the ED has conquered me. I am sad because I just want to be happy.
I am scared because every single day I don’t know what life will throw at me. ‘Welcome to the world’ you could say, but the fact is some people having the coping mechanisms to deal with the crap in the world, but others such as myself aren’t so well equipped.
I didn’t binge yesterday. In fact by the end of the day I was on 750 calories so I made myself have some biscuits as I don’t like going below 1200 as that’s when it’s considered dangerous. Today? I don’t know if I’ll binge or not. I used to like to promise myself I wouldn’t binge ever again but I’ve given up on that because I know that as long as I am bulimic then it is kinda inevitable. I can make that promise when I am better at the end of treatment, and I will get there.
Spoke to mum and dad about it yesterday. Mum said I should try and put the ED on hold until the exams are done. I tried to explain to her how difficult that was; like putting depression on hold despite the fact its a feeling that you’re stuck with. I think she understands the ED better than anyone but here she seemed to not totally get it. She said if you have cravings then binge, just til exams are done. I agreed because I didn’t really know how to argue against it and I didn’t want to appear too hopeless. Fact is, I have to take it a day at a time.
Dad tried to simply understand. Why do you eat vast quantities of food until your ill? Why do you restrict calories to the point you feel weak? Where is the balance? Why are you promoting a behaviour that is bad for you? I explained and he started to get it. But, like he said, the treatment programme seems to have a positive outlook.
Roll on recovery.