Failure.

It’s half three. I had a banana and some grapes for lunch. Then just now boiled eggs, but they were horrible. I knew I wouldn’t be eating again until about 8pm tonight and I cracked.

Tomorrow really has to be the start. I don’t know how but it has to be. Can I wake up and no longer be ill? I have to believe that’s possible else I’ll go crazy simply trying to survive with this disease. 

I have tried so hard today to resist. I have tried working, tidying, packing to go home later. I have tried to numb my mind from thoughts and emotions and self-hatred and struggle. Nothing worked. The cravings blinded me, I couldn’t focus or think or anything. All I could picture was food, calories, my body image and shape and weight. All I could picture was the very entity of this bulimia. I feel like over the past four years somebody has been gradually transplanting my brain in my sleep so that I am no longer myself. I have the mind of somebody else. It’s like one of those TV series, such as the Walking Dead, and I have been transformed into a zombie by this. It’s killing me mentally. It has changed me and ruined me. I don’t feel human, but like I am simply living so that this illness can exist in me, so that it can leech the life out of me, so that I can be it’s source of defeat.

It is living off me.

Who am I? My name is Bulimia, in my eyes. Not *****.

I look in the mirror and focus on every ounce of fat that drowns me and buries my personality behind shields of shame and guilt.

I need to reason with myself, try and let this work.

I will shed half a stone very quickly – water weight.

By then I’ll feel more confident and able to wear what I want up to a point.

Then tomorrow, it will start and it will stay.

Firstly, I will be at home, away from the place where I have been binging this past week.

Secondly, I cannot go and buy food because my parents buy it.

Thirdly, I have to fill in the forms. I can get away with not doing it today but tomorrow the food monitoring forms must be done.

Fourth, today has been a slog of a day. Tomorrow I will try and wake up and get out the right side of bed, the right side of my mental state.

Fifth, I won’t give in tomorrow.

I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.

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2 Responses to Failure.

  1. caseyee says:

    Eating disorders are horrible diseases that control our minds. They trick us into believing that we can get out of this, that we can make us stop and if we don’t we are a failure. YOU are NOT a failure. YOU are precious, unique, important and have so much to offer the world. You are a beautiful writer, and your determination to get rid of your disease will get you far, but it sounds like you may need more support. I don’t know you personally, but my eating disorder was my best friend for 10 years, and it took a lot of treatment to get freedom. You deserve that too. email me if you would like! I believe in you!

  2. fairy_wings says:

    ” I feel like over the past four years somebody has been gradually transplanting my brain in my sleep so that I am no longer myself. I have the mind of somebody else. It’s like one of those TV series, such as the Walking Dead, and I have been transformed into a zombie by this. It’s killing me mentally. It has changed me and ruined me. I don’t feel human, but like I am simply living so that this illness can exist in me, so that it can leech the life out of me, so that I can be it’s source of defeat.”

    I relate to that SO much. I struggle to see my life before my eating disorder and I struggle to see how I will ever have a life that isn’t revolved around not eating. I have so much empathy for you and your struggle. Keep fighting it because you are worth SO much more than your illness.

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