It’s half three. I had a banana and some grapes for lunch. Then just now boiled eggs, but they were horrible. I knew I wouldn’t be eating again until about 8pm tonight and I cracked.
Tomorrow really has to be the start. I don’t know how but it has to be. Can I wake up and no longer be ill? I have to believe that’s possible else I’ll go crazy simply trying to survive with this disease.
I have tried so hard today to resist. I have tried working, tidying, packing to go home later. I have tried to numb my mind from thoughts and emotions and self-hatred and struggle. Nothing worked. The cravings blinded me, I couldn’t focus or think or anything. All I could picture was food, calories, my body image and shape and weight. All I could picture was the very entity of this bulimia. I feel like over the past four years somebody has been gradually transplanting my brain in my sleep so that I am no longer myself. I have the mind of somebody else. It’s like one of those TV series, such as the Walking Dead, and I have been transformed into a zombie by this. It’s killing me mentally. It has changed me and ruined me. I don’t feel human, but like I am simply living so that this illness can exist in me, so that it can leech the life out of me, so that I can be it’s source of defeat.
It is living off me.
Who am I? My name is Bulimia, in my eyes. Not *****.
I look in the mirror and focus on every ounce of fat that drowns me and buries my personality behind shields of shame and guilt.
I need to reason with myself, try and let this work.
I will shed half a stone very quickly – water weight.
By then I’ll feel more confident and able to wear what I want up to a point.
Then tomorrow, it will start and it will stay.
Firstly, I will be at home, away from the place where I have been binging this past week.
Secondly, I cannot go and buy food because my parents buy it.
Thirdly, I have to fill in the forms. I can get away with not doing it today but tomorrow the food monitoring forms must be done.
Fourth, today has been a slog of a day. Tomorrow I will try and wake up and get out the right side of bed, the right side of my mental state.
Fifth, I won’t give in tomorrow.
I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.