I don’t know if I am in a good place or a bad place. But at least I am somewhere between the two. So I guess things could be worse.
I cried to bf last night on Skype. He said I made him teary. I said do you really want to be with me? I’m ill. I’m a mess. The next 3 months are going to be a nightmare. But he said the good outweighs the bad; he doesn’t see the bulimia, he just gets upset when I don’t eat. But he said he wants to be there when I get better, he wants to see me get better. And when I am better it’ll be amazing. I told him I was scared, this has been my coping mechanism for 4 years and I have to let it go. I said a layer of me is being stripped away. I said I am scared that they won’t be able to make me better. He re-assured me; they’ll get to the bottom of this.
I felt like one of those nightmare girlfriends on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
I cried to my mum after I was finished with him (doing the rounds, as you do). She took the thoughts that were jumbled in my head and put them in order, laid them out for me. Facts. It was like she was uncoiling a spring. She said of course you’re going to be upset, but this is a good turning point. All these years, I have gone to her with new methods that I think will cure me – whether it be eating more protein, eating more but exercising, having set calories for each meal… But she said she knew, every time, it wouldn’t work but she couldn’t tell me that. She said, now I have realized, I cannot do this. I have stopped trying to devise plans and excuses, I can’t do this. She said I don’t need to fight this fight anymore because I am in an experts hands. I told her I was done with it, I feel empty and numb. She said this was good, I have finally come to realize it is out of my control, and this is the first of my steps to recovery.
She also said the Prozac was kicking in, she had noticed it. She said I seemed relaxed last weekend for the first time in as long as she can remember. Apparently my brother had noticed too. She said all these years she doesn’t feel she’s known me because I have just been anxious and tense and scared, but now the real me is emerging because the Prozac is breaking down this wall that has surrounded me for as long as she can remember now. And of course that will be scary, but it will be good.
I feel exposed.
Just had my phone call with the Psychologist. As of tomorrow I will start recording everything I eat and drink, all the exercise I do. So today is going to be a struggle because, as today is my last day as a free agent. The last time I will be alone with my ED. Today is the final time that I am tied to it because tomorrow somebody will start hacking away at the cord that has bound us together.
I am in a desert, alone, or a blizzard. But on the horizon, help is there.
Tomorrow it begins.