Sinking ship

One thing I hate is waking up feeling afraid. I slept great last night for the first time in a while. But I awoke with this feeling of fear and dread. I guess after escaping the world and my thoughts, re-entering it was bound to be a daunting task. It has been shown that if you wake up during certain stages in the sleep cycle (slow wave sleep, when you’re not dreaming), you often wake with a feeling of tension and anxiety. But I didn’t used to get it this strong. I lay for about 10 minutes trying to explain to myself that everything will be OK. What am I scared of? Well for a start I am scared of failing my degree; or doing badly anyway. My exams are in a matter of weeks but I literally cannot focus because the ED is satiating itself with stealing my thoughts all day, every day, and not letting me blink an eye or glance at anything else. A little like a jealous partner I guess. It torments me with its existence; it will never leave and I cannot leave it. And if I try to, it gets its revenge in its own little ways. It’ll make me feel fat, or binge, or break down. It has control, it is abusing me, it is like a leech that is existing off my energy.

I am scared that I will binge. Every day is a battle at the moment to simply stick to 1,200 calories. To not binge. And waking up to an inevitable fight that you cannot escape isn’t always pleasant but I guess I think about going to sleep at night knowing I have won. But the cravings and the addiction consume me.

I am scared of how I am going to overcome this. 4 years can’t be made better in 3 months of treatment can it? Is this going to work and if it doesn’t is that it; am I just left to carry on as I have been, alone?

I am scared of people. Ever since I was little I was scared of confrontation or upsetting people, and I am scared of that happening each day. Is everyone happy? Have I pissed anyone off lately?

I said to my mum yesterday, what makes me so sad, is that I am wishing my life away. I should be loving life and I am counting down the days til the next good thing, and when that’s gone I count down the days til the next. And thing is, even when the good thing is here, I am counting down til it ends because of sheer dread. I don’t want to wish my life away anymore because one day I will most probably regret it. I know I am so, so lucky. I could have it much worse than I do. But my own twisted thoughts ruin this, I ruin my life for myself. How did I become this way and what is wrong with me?! It’s like one of those self-destructive diseases in which the body attacks its own internal organs, except my own mind is attacking my brain… Or vice versa. I don’t know. I don’t really care. I just want it gone. Why can I not look after myself? I punish myself every day for being me, and I guess that’s the reality which I don’t like to wake up to. 

 

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