Nonsense.

I want food I want food I want food so badly!!!!!

I don’t even know if I am hungry; probably

Cookies. Chocolate. Sweets. Ice cream.

I’ve come home for the weekend and the temptation…

Mum said I’d lost weight and so did my boyfriend, though only after I’d told them I’d lost almost half a stone in 10 days.

I had my first proper meeting with the psychologists yesterday. They were lovely, and I’ve been given a book to read. I’ve been given forms to fill out. They’re ringing me at a set time next week so that I have a chance to read the book and from then I will start recording everything I eat and drink, including water and including potential binges, for them to see. I asked for reassurance that whilst they made me better I wouldn’t gain weight. They replied that it was very unlikely however this was not a weight loss programme therefore I may well maintain but will leave with the tools to lose weight healthily and properly. That’s hard to accept because I am so desperate to shed a stone or so; how do I put it off? And how is a complete stranger going to cure me of my mysterious plague that’s shrouded my rationality for four years now? When weight loss has been at the forefront of my mind for so long, how do I just push it to the back until I get better, even though I don’t know how I’ll get better, if I’ll get better, or what the abstract meaning of ‘better’ really is? I am so lost.

They explained how these crash diets don’t work and logically I know they don’t. See, even when I think I am doing right, I am still doing it all wrong.  They told me a good day will not be when I cut calories and exercise, but a good day will be when I follow their guidance. Please tell me how I am going to change this view that’s engrained into me?

I feel like I am in a bubble, separate from reality. I don’t want people to think I am contagious but I am scared that they will contaminate me with reality; that I can’t do this without help and I won’t get better easily, and that all is not dandy even when I pretend it is. How do I let someone change my thoughts?! They’re mine! As much as I don’t want them to be

Thing is, I guess it’s put the idea back in my head. The fact they were suggesting looking for things that trigger binges make it clear that they expect me to binge. I guess I’d try to push that thought from my head and pretend it wasn’t me anymore but equally I have bulimia, I have been diagnosed with bulimia, can I shake it off even with the help of prozac, the prospect of treatment, and the support of friends/family/my boyfriend/anonymous internet users who I don’t want to show my true colours of greed to?

I don’t know what to do. I know that if I binge I will absolutely loathe myself. I will have let myself down because I made a promise not to do it again. But I don’t know. Please tell me what to do because I can’t shake these overwhelming and addictive cravings but if I give in that’s another day of my life wasted and gone that I won’t ever get back. Another day sacrificed to my ill, twisted, irrational thoughts and feelings. I want to sleep it off but I have so much to do, yet I can barely function.

I know this post is a bit long winded and muddled and you’ve probably left without learning much about me or what I am thinking or what I am doing with my life. But that’s your lesson; I am as lost as you are.

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