Prozac, mend me.

Ever watched Prozac Nation? I recommend it.

I started it approx. 6 weeks ago now, and for the first 4 or so weeks it gave me terrible nausea. At one point I was waking up every night. I started to think maybe the way it cured the physical symptoms of the eating disorder was to stop you wanting to eat at all.

Well the nausea gradually went, and last week the doctor upped the dose from 20mg to 40mg. My emotions are all over the place. I am a complete mess. Last night I had a long chat with my boyfriend. We’ve been together 8 months now, and I told him that the next 2 months are going to be difficult. The doctor will probably up the prozac to 60mg, I am starting psychological treatment for the ED which may strip me of any strands of dignity that cover my thoughts and dispicable behaviours. I am going to be unbelievably insecure, paranoid, and I am scared. I have been with this 4 years now and I have no idea how to go about letting go. I am so afraid of what’s to come. I can’t remember normality if I’m to be totally honest and I cannot describe to you how I feel about letting go of this psychological virus that has dominated my life for 48 months.

We were on Skype and tears wouldn’t stop coming. The well known lump in the throat suffocated me if I tried to bottle it up, like a champagne cork pressured to fly off. The water works had been on and off all weekend like a broken tap. I was in a very strange place. I wanted to cover this up from him because I genuinely thought he might not want me like this anymore and that worried me. But I couldn’t mask it, not from him, I couldn’t use the hayfever excuse that I fed to everyone else. And I said, the next 2 months are going to be a nightmare. I promise I’ll get better but first I’ll get worse. Are you sure you want to stick with me through this? Thank god he said yes (and without hesitation). He said we’ll get through it together, because my problems are his.  

Sorry, I’ve kinda strayed off from the Prozac problem into some Venus meets Mars type love blog. But basically the prozac is doing this to me. It’s toying with me right now but I want nothing more than to get better so I guess I have no choice but to stick it out. I am terrified because I have my exams starting in less than 5 weeks and I literally cannot focus on anything except for my problematic, selfish self.

I was told the tablets can mess about with dreams. And last night I got a taste of that. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while, but some Freudian representation of the monstrosity that I believe I am jumped out at me and terrified me. I was having a fairly normal dream, when the main character turned into this indescribably ugly, white, creature. I cannot depict it to you for the life of me. It was staring, glaring, and coming towards me. I woke up, bricking it, and saw it in my room. I stared in horror and confusion. It got thinner and turned it’s back on me, and pulled up a white hood that tailed down into a long robe. It was quivering in the corner of my room. Staring down and swaying. What was this?! I shook my head, a little like in the cartoons, and peeped out over the duvet… Oh. It was my wardrobe door. I scanned my room and reassured myself I was just being an idiot.

I feel back asleep. Again, a normal dream, and I was talking to the main character. I was about to tell her something when she said wait, one thing before you begin, and BAM. She turned into the monster, swooped at me with a face of bitter horror and evil. Something I can’t paint with words. It was screeching and yelling. My body chose a good moment to wake me and I jumped out my skin and sat upright in bed. 6:30am. I was too scared to go back to sleep this time.Should I get up and get on with some work? Nah I was a little too lazy for that, so I dozed. No more dreams for me, fortunately.

I am definitely taking a teddy to bed tonight in the hope the Prozac monsters will be too afraid of the grey fluffy doggy to come anywhere near. Dream on… 

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