As the rather self-explanatory title suggests, I’m struggling.
This probably won’t make for a very interesting read, but the first thing I thought of to try and tackle this urge to eat was writing a blog post.
Didn’t sleep well; went to be late as we went out (I hardly drank though) and woke up early. Woke up with such a craving for Sainsbury’s triple chocolate cookies, the ones I used to get in Halls last year. The sun is out and my room is almost a little too toasty. This weekend is set to be relatively boring. I am going to the gym later then working for the rest, and I often find that when I’ve got nothing planned for a couple of days the urge to eat often kicks in.
But I’m doing so well, I can’t give in 😦
How do I stop wanting the food??? The sun has made me think of last year in Halls. I used to pop down to Co-op or, more often Sainsburys. I’d typically buy cookies, some humous with cheese and pitta breads, occasionally chocolate milk or if not apple juice, shortbreads, biscuits, yoghurt, and rarely ice cream. Oh and of course a big bar of chocolate. I’d then race back to Glen, hoping not to be caught, feeling like a thief. I’d lock my door and eat. And eat. And eat.
The first few bites were fantastic, like stopping the wailing of a broken alarm. But after about 20 minutes I’d start to feel sick, headachey, tired, lethargic. A dark cloud would come over me, making me realise what I’d done. The (metaphorical) sun, the thought of food, had been so bright it blinded me to any consequences but once the dark cloud came I could see it all. The obstacle that lay before me, the obstacle of recovery, was now a layer taller. Another strip to fight back down. And that is why I don’t want to binge today, because I have to jump this fence into freedom from bulimia one day and to do so, it’s got to be manageable. I cannot build it up anymore, every day I need to break it down. Even when the sun, the cravings, even when they blind me, I close my eyes and think of what is still existing. The wall that bars me from normality.
Bingeing, it will make you depressed.
Unsuccessful and unachieving.
You simply cannot give into these cravings and just pray they go. I’ll post later about whether I caved in or not…