It’s been such a **** day. Cravings have practically overridden it, thoughts of food. Of my shape, my weight, the way I look.
But I haven’t binged.
I broke down in tears this evening and nearly had a panic attack. I was on Skype to the boyfriend and he saw me cry, but I promised I would be okay. He went to sleep but we stayed on Skype at the same time, and I rang mum.
Long convo short she reminded me I can and will beat this. Sure, it’s an addiction. But the Prozac is like a little soldier that I have needed all this time to help me fight it.
I told her how scared I am. I am so scared, subconsciously afraid, of the cravings coming. They’re so overwhelming and uncontrollable but I really, really don’t want to give in. My self-esteem can’t take another blow like that, another failing, I don’t want to crumble this time.
Typing doesn’t do my emotions justice right now. I feel like there’s a balloon growing inside me, and the pressure as it pushes me gets stronger and stronger, the pressure to give in and eat. But equally the fear tramples it down, the longing to be slim and healthy. To no longer have an ED but to function normally when it comes to food. There’s an ongoing battle between the two. But I could get down on my knees and beg for freedom from this. I said to mum just one day without it. Please.
I feel so alone 😦
I feel weird. Why am I thinking in this way?? I think I need to sleep but I am so confused. Call me a bit of a drama queen but right now I could cry my heart out to be ‘normal’ (figure out your own definition; it’s subjective)
I’ll end on a positive note and hope that it continues into tomorrow. My ever-wise mum reminded me of one more thing. Yes, I crumbled to night. I cried for about 2 hours. I felt hopeless and afraid and confused. But, she said, today I beat it. I can only take it one day at a time, but today I did not binge, and that’s a huge achievement.